Discovering Beauty in All Things
When you look at these photos, what common theme is represented?
To me, these photos represent BEAUTY.
When we think of beauty, we often think of nature, animals, people, and touching moments. But what about the beauty shown in the painful moments, lessons, heartbreak, and uncertainty of life?
I’ve been thinking about beauty lately and how it’s often represented in society. Beauty is often associated with things that spark a sense of awe and wonder and grace, or superficial glamour. It’s not typically what we think of when we’re experiencing painful moments or seasons. Yet, it’s through the pain that we can come to a place of beauty and appreciation.
When we are present to life and believe that each moment, each choice, and each answer is all beautifully orchestrated to create this thing called life, beauty is present in all of it.
This is not an easy concept to grasp. When we’re in the midst of pain or uncertainty, the last thing we think to do is look for the beauty in it. We focus on the pain and loss and the uncertainty and chaos. We focus on everything being wrong. We focus on how to fix it and make it better. We find ways to numb it or sidestep it so we can move on and not have to deal with the consequences, sadness, or pain, rather than leaning in and allowing ourselves to move through it.
In 2018, after I carried the final box out of my apartment, I stood in the empty space filled with emotion. It was a bittersweet ending and goodbye. I was sad for saying goodbye to my first solo apartment after 3.5 short months. The apartment represented freedom and independence for me, as well as a stepping stone into my next phase in life—becoming a nomad and leaving my life of security and comfort. Before leaving the apartment, I decided to take a photo to document my emotions and this milestone. It was one of the first times I was present to beauty in difficult and emotional situations. While the sadness was great, I was choosing to follow my heart and believed that in the long run it would be worth it.
I’ve continued to document my emotions and more difficult times throughout this journey. Whether it’s the joy of dancing in the rain, the excitement of meeting a new love, the thrill of taking a big leap, the heartbreak from not getting what I want, the pain from loss…all of it has beauty. Beauty may not be obvious at first, yet through deep healing and release, beauty can be found.
You can feel harmony outside of what is supposed to be harmonious! If you are brave and wild enough, you can even find beauty and harmony amongst the chaos of change. Sensing that change is just the creative process kicking into gear. Realizing there is nothing to fear brings even greater beauty, harmony, surrender and grace to the experience of life creating itself, in more stunning forms, through you. - Dream a Beautiful Dream, Sacred Rebels Oracle
When you’re in the midst of change—especially when change turns to chaos, it can be difficult to find beauty in what life is teaching you.
2020 has certainly had its hold on me…on us. It will be a year we’ll (hopefully) look back on one day and think, “Wow. I can’t believe that all happened. I can’t believe I made it through the chaos and uncertainty. I can’t believe I moved through the pain.”
In September 2019, I was traveling in Morocco on an epic soulo journey. I had just parted ways from my travel buddies in Marrakesh and was heading south for a 3-day vacation on the beach. I had spent the previous month in Spain being cracked open by the Universe processing, healing, and asking deep questions. The day before I left Dallas for this next chapter in my nomadic journey, I had written a very personal and vulnerable open letter about faith, religion, and freedom. While it was freeing to confront my fear of telling my truth, I was faced with the aftermath from the release and healing. I crawled into my Fox hole and took time off of social media and went inward. Spain was the catalyst for what was to come in Morocco.
I knew before going to Morocco that I wanted to do a photoshoot wearing traditional Moroccan attire. I had looked up a few places that seemed intriguing and landed on Chefchaouen, the Blue City. I had searched photographers on Airbnb Experience and was drawn in by this one listing. He organized a photoshoot with traditional attire—exactly what I wanted! The only catch is that he used the guest’s phone to take pictures rather than a professional camera. I messaged him and told him about my mission of modeling in photoshoots in countries all over the world. I asked if he had a professional camera. He didn’t but told me that he knew a great photographer and would arrange everything for me. I agreed and we set a date.
Photographer: Mahmoud Tabbou, cHEFCHAOUEN, MOROCCO SEPTEMBER 2019
The photoshoot was a dream come true.
It was the first photoshoot wearing traditional clothing. I felt like a true princess in my own fairy tale. When I arrived to meet my guide, I felt an instant connection. His smile and energy immediately drew me in. To be clear, I was not looking to meet anyone. I’ve been single most of my life and have had many blocks around dating and relationships (I’ll save that for another blog). I was set on being on a solo journey, not finding love. Yet, it was clear I was meant to meet this man.
They say love finds you when you’re living life to its fullest and not looking.
We spent the whole morning together with the photoshoot, and after he offered to take me up to the Spanish Mosque to watch the sunset. I remember sitting next to him at the top of the mountain and feeling like an electric current was going through my body. I felt such an energetic connection to him. 2 days later we went on our first date and the rest is history. I extended my time in Chefchaouen so I could spend more time getting to know him. It all felt so surreal and not my life. It felt like my own fairy tale. We continued to be connected and date long distance. I went back to Africa for New Years Eve and welcomed in 2020 from Tunisia with my love.
The year started so hopeful and full of possibility.
I was so in the moment when I was there, and when I left, my blocks and fears around relationships, being trapped, and love began to surface. I saw my life flashing before me and was experiencing anxiety. Even though I was deeply connected to this man, and could see a future with him, I was scared. I didn’t believe it was real. I didn’t believe it would last. I had hit my Upper Limit Problem and sabotaged the relationship. I had asked for signs around whether the timing of being in a long distance relationship was right. I trusted that I was making the right choice. I decided that I needed to focus on my business. It didn’t make logical sense to be in a long distance relationship when I was traveling all over the world and didn’t know where I’d be from one week to the next (little did I know a pandemic would be coming). These were the reasons I justified. I ended the relationship in February.
The day I broke up with him, my world felt like it collapsed. I fell to the floor in great anguish and sobbed for hours, days, and weeks. The moment I made the call and ended the relationship, I regretted my decision. I thought that things would change and we’d be together again after a short break. Yet, it was too late. What was done was done. A week after, I lost contact with him for a couple of months. The thought of never speaking to him again felt life-shattering. Yet, I knew deep down that I was resilient and would eventually get through this. I held onto hope and trusted that if we were meant to find each other again, we would.
When we’re sitting in deep pain, the thought of seeing the silver lining or finding beauty in the situation seems unrealistic and hard to grasp.
A few weeks after the breakup, I contacted my talented photographer friend, Leslie Boren, and asked if she would be open to photographing me nude. I was still in pain, and I believed this was all happening for me rather than against me. I wanted to document the beauty in pain through a vulnerability photoshoot. Nude. No makeup. Just raw emotions and natural authentic beauty. I wanted to show other women that it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be seen in the midst of pain and sadness. The photoshoot ended up being more healing than I imagined. I literally stripped down to my authentic self.
I’ve held onto these photos for 5 months. I’ve shared a few of them on my blog and Instagram, yet I’ve been protective of sharing them fully. The photos and the experience are very personal for me. It was for my own healing. And, I also believe that these photos have a deeper purpose than I’m aware of right now. I’ve held onto these photos and this story in part because I haven’t wanted to accept the reality of this situation. I haven’t wanted to accept the choice I made, or accept that this relationship and partnership is over and may not surface again. I’ve tried to control this situation and after many failed attempts, I finally chose to lean in. I chose to surrender and trust that God is working in this for the highest good of all. And to trust that the beauty of this situation, experience and healing will be revealed.
I believe that Spirit is using me and my pain to show myself and others that it’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be happy, joyful, and excited about new experiences and relationships. It’s okay to celebrate. It’s okay to be sad, angry, and hurt. It’s okay to hide away and retreat from the world. It’s okay to BE with all of it.
At the end of June I went on a personal retreat in Colorado to hide away and heal from the pain, hurt, regret, and rapid change 2020 has presented to me. It was a chance for me to fully lean in and allow my heart to crack open and feel everything. Hiding away and going inward was the best gift I could’ve given myself during this time. Healing takes time, and is something that can’t be rushed. Others may question your pain and ask, “You’re still not over him? It’s been 5 months.” It’s my pain and the healing will come when I am ready to receive it.
There is a situation in your life right now where you feel uncertain about your ability to ‘fix’ or heal. You lack the inspiration to be able to imagine it differently than how it currently seems to be. You may therefore feel inhibited in your ability to bring about constructive change. However, the perfect beauty of this situation is not revealed by what you attempt to do to it, or through trying to impose the right ‘dream’ upon it.
It is to be healed and perfected into all that it can be, through the revelation of the beauty that already lies within it. This happens when we accept the existence of inner harmony in all of creation, even if it cannot be consciously observed. By expecting there to be beauty within a situation, even if it is hidden, you will be more open to seeing the healing potential, even in your challenges. Don’t attempt to force the situation or issue to take the ‘right’ shape. Instead ask it to show its beauty to you.
From this place of inquiry you will begin to grasp the creative genius of what is, and unveil not only its potential beauty, but how perfect it is for you at this time, just as it is. In opening up to the beauty within yourself and your circumstances, you also open up to change. - Dream a Beautiful Dream, Sacred Rebels Oracle