Believing You Deserve What You Desire
/I am LIVING my dream. Yet, if you asked me if I believed it, I would say no.
Wildhearted retreat guatemala july 2017, Photo courtesy of Leslie Boren
At least that's how it was for me up until 2 weeks ago. I was sitting on the beach in the Gulf of Thailand recording a testimonial video about my experience attending a Wildhearted Retreat. While sharing my experience, a moment from the end of my Guatemala retreat came to me. On the last day of our week-long meditation retreat, we had a reunion of sorts. We got all dressed up and mingled with each other while sharing our "future" selves and all that had transpired since the retreat. I shared with my fellow Wildhearted Sisters that I had finally found the courage to quit my job of 11 years and had bought a one-way ticket to Southeast Asia. While sharing, I thought that sounded like a fun future to pretend about.
Fast forward 9 months later, and here I am living out the words I had proclaimed. I did quit my job and buy a one-way ticket to Southeast Asia. One simple statement had manifested into reality. And it wasn't until I was sharing my story that I realized it was actually happening. I broke down in tears and became so present to my reality.
I am living my dream.
Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of what it would be like to travel the world. I had been all over the United States when I was a kid, but never overseas. I got my first taste of international travel in 2004 while studying abroad in Vienna, Austria with my alma mater, Lipscomb University. International travel brought out an aliveness in me. With every new destination, I hungered for more exploration. I met nomads during my travels and read stories of brave souls giving up their comforts to travel the world. They made it look so easy...for them, but not for me. I couldn't do that.
What I didn't realize is how much not believing in myself or in my dreams would hold me back. Of course, that person can do it, they have money. It works for them, but it will never work for me. Others‘ dreams come true, but mine never will. Someday, I'll have the courage to do it.
Any other person could look at my life and see my accomplishments and big life I was living. Prior to becoming a nomad, I had traveled to 32 countries. I had a great job and a comfortable lifestyle.
I was doing great things. And I didn't believe it.
“What people think about you means nothing in comparison to what you believe about yourself. ”
When I finally told my boss and team that I was leaving, they were so supportive. I gave my company a 60-day notice. I had been with them for almost 11 years and didn't want to leave them hanging. They told me I could stay as long as I wanted and were in no hurry for me to go. I ended up staying 90 days. They took care of me and supported me in my jump. Even my COO said that he would leave a light on for me if my jump didn't work out, and even added that he hoped he didn't have to leave it on because he wanted my dreams to happen. I was blown away. I shared my astonishment with so many people, and none were surprised. I received responses like, "Of course they're supporting you. You're amazing." "Why wouldn't they?" And again, I didn't believe it. I couldn't understand why they would do so much for me when I was the one leaving.
So what did I believe? I believed that I was taking chances, traveling, doing great things and living a big life. What I didn't believe is that I deserve it.
Ah ha. There it is.
Prior to going to Thailand, I set an intention for my journey to reset, heal, and surrender. I had been in a career for 11 years and needed to reset before jumping into anything else. I had become present to a lot of limiting beliefs, programming, and trauma from the past that was impacting the present, and needed to find healing. I wanted to control everything in my life and needed to surrender. These three intentions set the tone for my journey and opened up more discoveries and glass-shattering moments.
While in Thailand, I had a healing session with my coach. Many things from my past came up. She would counteract each memory with a positive affirmation. At one point she had me say, "I deserve everything my heart desires." And I couldn't say it. I broke down in tears. I didn't believe that I deserved to be where I was or deserve to have what I want. I've always been the biggest supporter and cheerleader for others, and not for myself. I was carrying around guilt and didn't feel like the little girl who grew up in a broken home deserved to be where she was today. It was a big truth bomb for me to process. That one word "deserve" opened my eyes to many areas in my life; areas where I was either not giving it my all or placing too much pressure on myself (out of fear of failure), or areas where I wouldn’t step into or entertain (out of fear of rejection or abandonment).
Transformation is a lifelong journey.
When you place your attention there, be prepared for a roller coaster ride...the good, the bad, and the ugly. The good news is when you do discover limiting beliefs or life lessons from your past, you can work through it and come out stronger. Had I not done the work or allowed others to support me, I would not have been present to believing in my dreams and desires nor believing that I deserve them.
How Do You Believe That You Deserve What you Desire?
- Look at your life from the perspective of an outsider. I recently had my first podcast interview about my jump. I listened to it as if it wasn't me. I wanted to listen from the perspective of an outsider. While listening, I thought, "Wow. This girl sounds incredible." That girl is me!
- Write out your story. List your accomplishments and milestones. Where were you before and where are you now?
- Daily Affirmations. Start each day with affirmations about yourself that empower and inspire you. Do it every day for 30 days. How does it shift your beliefs and attitude towards yourself?
- Remember YOU are Living Your Life. No one else is living your life. So why not make it the best you can? It’s taken me a while to not feel guilty for enjoying my life or feeling like I deserve it. I get caught up in circumstance or comparison. And then I remember, I’ve been given this amazing gift of life, so why not take care of it and enjoy it?
- Find Gratitude for all things big and small. Where we place our attention is where our energy will flow. After I had my coaching session, I began a practice of ending each day with a gratitude list. This also shifted my attention to the beauty all around. I went for an early morning walk on the empty streets of Chiang Mai before all of the hustle and bustle. I found beauty in the empty streets and colorful flowers growing along the sidewalk. By shifting attention to gratitude, you’re able to appreciate more in your own life and around you.
It’s all relative. A person can have everything their heart desires, but without self-worth and believing in oneself, it doesn’t matter. Shift your perspective. Find gratitude. Believe in yourself and your worth.