*This post was inspired by Marsha Shandur of Yes, Yes Marsha! After attending True Stories (Told Live) Toronto! on Zoom this evening. There were some captivating storytellers who dug deep and inspired to write stories for this blog post.

I walked into the kitchen and found an empty Instant Carnation coffee tin.

“This will be perfect,” I thought.

Can you picture sweet innocent robin going around the neighborhood asking for donations?

I left the room with my tin in hand and walked into the office. I took a white piece of paper and cut a small rectangle from it. I took a pen out and wrote the words “Donations” on the outside of it. I taped the paper to the outside of the tin and smiled.

“This will be perfect.”

I was probably 7 or 8 at the time. I knew all of the neighbors in our neighborhood and visited with them throughout the week. I collected my tin and eagerly stepped out the door. I walked around the neighborhood and went door to door knocking. Neighbors would open the door, and I would hold out my donations tin. Knowing me, I probably had some sort of speech planned that enrolled the neighbors in why it would benefit them to donate to my cause. My cause is still foggy in my memory. Regardless, I had a cause and thought my neighbors could support it financially.

House by house, my tin begin to fill with more and more change. When my tin was full, I closed the plastic lid on the container and skipped back home. I was so excited! I had collected so much change. I couldn’t wait to show my Mom.

Now this is the part of the story, where I’m not totally clear on the exact details, so I’ll share what I remember as stored in my memory.

I ran home and opened the door and showed my Mom my tin full of coins. I was so excited that people had actually given me money! Rather than being excited for me and cheering me on, I saw a look of horror pour across my Mom’s face. Suddenly I got the notion that what I had done was not okay. It was not okay for me to Ask for money, especially money from neighbors.

I was immediately filled with shame.

“It’s not okay to Ask for money.” Got it. I stored that message deep in my mind.

Fast-forward to a few years later. My Great Aunt Mimi had just come to town for her annual visit. I loved when Mimi came. She would play with us, read to us, and buy us toys. Neither my Great Aunt Mimi nor Uncle Charlie ever married or had children of their own. They would treat my Mom and her sisters as their children. As such, they would often take care of certain financial needs. Thanks to Mimi and Charlie, I was able to get braces, get new school clothes, and receive money for various trips or school activities.

When Mimi arrived, I was beyond excited. I couldn’t wait to receive Licorice Nips hard candy, and of course receive new toys! I always had this view that Mimi and Charlie were rich. “Rich” to a child is often different from reality. I don’t know what their exact financial situation was, but in my eyes they were wealthy. As such, that meant they had money to spare. I remember going into Mimi’s room while she was visiting. She had asked me to get her wallet from her purse. For whatever reason, likely out of curiosity, I picked up Mimi’s wallet and opened it. My eyes grew big. I saw a lot of cash tucked away in the wallet. I pulled it out and began to count. I was amazed. Mimi carried a lot of cash with her. I put the cash back in and carried it off to find Mimi. When I handed her the wallet, I said, “Woh! You have XXX dollars in your wallet!” I don’t remember the exact amount, but I’m sure it was more cash that I had held before.

Once again, I was taken aback. Mimi got this look of being violated on her face which then turned into anger. In her thick Jersey accent, Mimi looked at me and exclaimed, “You went through my wallet?! Did I tell you that you could open my wallet? Why did you think it was okay to count my cash?”

I was mortified and filled with shame.

“What were you thinking?? You never go through someone’s wallet and ask about how much money they have.” Got it. I stored that message deep in my mind.

These are two stories that have shaped my view of money and asking.

Lesson #1: It’s not okay to Ask other people for money.

Lesson #2: It’s not okay to Ask others how much money they have, and by all means never count it!

Shame became my underlying theme for my relationship to Money.

I stored these memories deep in my psyche. It wasn’t until a few months ago that these memories resurfaced while in meditation. It was towards the end of my yearlong coaching program. As part of our Retreat Leader Certification, we had to submit various calls and videos. When I first looked at the criteria for the certification, I remembered seeing “Submit a Successful Sales Call”. My heart sank. “How in the world am I going to submit a successful sales call?” I thought. Fear immediately consumed me. I naturally pushed my sales call off week after week.

Consider what you resist most is actually what you’re meant to lean into.

a similar fight or flight pose that opens your heart and throat chakras

In March, I attended my final in-studio yoga class right before Stay at Home orders began. It was my favorite Soulful Sunday class with my favorite yoga teacher, Dustin. Dustin likes to crank the heat up in class so we’re already sweating before we start moving. Dustin always pushes us to our limit and reminds us how powerful we are. In that particular class, he guided us into this really challenging heart opening pose. It was similar to Camel pose except one leg was hovering off the ground. Camel is challenging on its own, and having to hover our legs made it all the more challenging. It is also a “Fight or Flight” pose which opens your heart and tests your very limit. I got into the pose on the first side, and was consumed with anxiety.

“I’m going to die! I’m going to die!” I shouted in my head.

I got out of the pose on my right side and caught my breath. When we got to the pose on the other side, I allowed myself to try again. I got into the pose once again, and felt the rush, anxiety, and emotion consume me. I got out of the pose and collapsed face down onto my mat and began crying.

“You’re not going to die. It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re not going to die.” I thought in my head.

In that instance I realized, “This is what Asking feels like to me.”

Asking feels like I’m going to die.

I thought back on my life and recognized how not Asking or fearfully asking has impacted me. Asking is extremely vulnerable for me. And, at the core of Asking, is shame.

And it isn’t only with money. Asking for anything has hindered me. After making decisions as a child that “it’s not okay to ask for money”, I took this to heart. I decided that since it wasn’t okay to Ask, I would become self-sufficient and do everything on my own. I became a pro early on. I learned to take care of myself. If I needed money, I would earn it myself. When I started my period as a tween, I was too ashamed to ask my Mom or sisters for tampons, so I figured it out myself. When I wanted to do something and needed to ask permission, I would come up with some long story to enroll the other person in it. Even asking for simple things at my former job like, “Can I take a day off or go on vacation?”, was extremely difficult for me. I would add in humor to make the request seem less daunting. And let’s forget about asking for a raise. Luckily, I had a boss who would take a stand for me and ensure I got periodic raises. “Wooh, off the hook there.”

At the core of Asking, is the answer, “No.”

At least that was what I built in my head. If I asked for something, the answer would ultimately be No. So why ask? I learned to get clever at my leasing job. I would sell customers on my experience living at the apartment community, rather than asking them if they wanted to lease. So you can imagine what it was like when I decided to quit my job, go on my nomadic journey, and start my own business.

I would eventually have to confront my fear and shame around Asking.

Solo-traveling the world has supported me in learning to flex my muscle around Asking. However, it’s usually the last resort. I try every way to figure out the problem on my own before resorting to asking someone. The more I’ve enhanced my intuition and awareness, the better I’ve become moving through my discomfort around Asking.

So back to my Retreat Leader certification and having to submit a successful sales call. I was terrified. All of my anxiety and shame around Asking for money resurfaced. One of my coach’s support team members offered to do sales calls with us. I was excited because, I didn’t have to offer an invitation to potential clients. I had my call with Janet and felt a bit spacey, but pleased after the fact. I was proud of myself for showing up and taking on the challenge. When I got my score back, I saw that I failed the sales call portion. 3 out of 10. In the notes, my coach wrote: “I want you to spend one FULL DAY in which you cannot TELL anyone anything, you can only ask.”

Gulp.

I immediately broke into tears. Not only had I failed this portion and had to redo it, I now was challenged with only ASKING for a day?! Once again “Fight or Flight” took over, and I felt like I was going to die. Maybe this was my sign that this certification wasn’t for me. Who was I for thinking I could complete and pass this anyway? After a good 30-minute cry, I went downstairs and told my sister what happened. My sister who is oversees a division of the Introduction Leadership Program for Landmark Worldwide, validated my upset and asked me if she could share something with me. I said yes. She looked at me and said she has witnessed many people she’s coached up against a wall; a wall in which the person felt like they wouldn’t be able to break through.

The moment a person accepts a challenge and chooses to show up fully (with fear and all the emotions attached), is the moment that magic happens.

She told me this challenge alone could be the reason I was called to enroll in this coaching program in the first place.

I chose to accept my coach’s challenge and only ASK for a day. It was quite a challenge and practice! I constantly had to pause and be mindful about forming questions rather than telling anyone anything. I persevered and made it a whole 24 hours with only asking questions. I was super proud of myself for moving through my fear and resistance, accepting the challenge, and showing up fully for it. I do thrive off of challenges, after all.

In the end, I had a successful sales call (with my coach nonetheless) and passed my Retreat Leader Certification! I even got a sale from it! This challenge taught me to view Asking from a different lens.

When we ask questions, we’re taking the attention off of ourselves and allowing space for the other person to decide.

I share these stories as a way to connect my resistance around Asking, and to share the heavy interpretations about Money and Asking that I’ve carried with me. Asking for money, a sale, or offering my services is still a block for me. I am working through it, and want to acknowledge that it’s still present for me at times. I have a beautiful website. I have a beautiful offering of services that I truly believe will change the world one person at a time. I have created beautiful art through my photoshoots and writing. When you see me post about a new offering or service, know that I have to move through many barriers to allow these spirited offerings to be known.

I offer anyone else who struggles with Asking or has shame around money, to take heart. You are not alone. Allow yourself to acknowledge your discomfort, create a mantra or say some affirmations about your worthiness, and step out into the light. It may be scary. It may feel personal when no one responds, or someone says, “No.” Keep showing up. Believe in yourself and your offerings or desires, and trust that the right people will come. Ask for support from others when you’re feeling scared, stuck or full of shame.

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