Open and Closed for Business
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For someone who writes for a living, I sure do have a lot of resistance to it sometimes. And it’s not that I’m not writing. I always have some new script or entry going in my head. It’s that I fail to take those words and put them on paper or text.
Perhaps the resistance has to do with my own level of acceptance in what I want to communicate.
I’ve spent the past 2.5 months processing and shedding a lot of what no longer serves me. While this has been an ongoing process for years, the most recent months have especially produced a lot of reflection, tears, anger, grief, and ultimately joy.
In the beginning of August, I wrote one of the most vulnerable and heartfelt blogs I’ve ever written. It was an Open Letter about Faith, Religion, and Freedom. I finally came to terms with how I had been molding myself to fit others’ perception of me. I came clean about religion and faith and what the journey has been like for me. I was extremely nervous about hitting the publish button. I was nervous about what others would think and how they would react. Yet, even with my fear around that, I knew it was something I needed to write for me.
After I hit publish, I felt like hiding. My head was swarming with fears of rejection, ridicule, and judgment. To my surprise, I met the opposite of that. I was met with such admiration for taking a bold step in writing about this, acceptance from so many people, and validation that what I had to say was important. I was blown away by the responses I received. Message after message flooded my inbox with others stating how they felt the same way or had a similar experience.
I was so humbled by the outpouring of love and acknowledgment I received.
A few days after I published that blog, I set off on a 7-week journey to Spain, Portugal, and Morocco. The day I was leaving for Spain, I felt so apathetic and numb. I was so indifferent to leaving. Yes, of course, I was excited about visiting new countries and being out in the world again. But something inside of me felt numb. As the plane took off, tears began to fall down my face. I cried for nearly 2 hours. I was lucky to have a row to myself so I could be in peace.
I suddenly felt like a little girl again. Jumping up and down saying, “See me! Hear me! Love me!” I felt in so many ways that this post was an outcry of wanting to be seen and known. And the ones I wanted to see it, did nothing. There was no communication, no push back, nothing. And while on one hand, it was nice to not have conflict, another part of me was wanting that. I spent the entire flight processing through this and why it meant so much to me. Why did I care so much? I finally came to terms with it. I had written a clear and concise post and there was no need to say anything. The post spoke for itself.
When I arrived in Barcelona, I checked into a yoga retreat. I wanted to gift myself some time to decompress after a busy summer of nonstop travel and engagements, and give myself time to continue to reflect and process.
I instantly knew I had made the right choice.
I was surrounded by 10 other beautiful souls from all over the world in a safe and loving environment. The manager of the retreat was a lovely woman from Germany. She had the most beautiful energy. She offered bodywork specifically in the area of chakra clearing. I scheduled a massage with Ulla and was ready to relax and allow whatever was to come. After the massage, Ulla told me that my heart and sacral chakras were closed. “Tell me something I don’t already know,” I thought.
If you’re not familiar with your chakras, you have 7 areas of energy within your body. You can read more about each chakra in-depth here.
Your sacral chakra is your second chakra and has to do with creativity, the birthplace of new ideas, and sexual energy. When the chakra is closed, you are blocking your center for creativity and blocking your area to receive and enjoy pleasure. The color orange is often associated with your sacral chakra. Your heart chakra is the fourth chakra. It is associated with the color green and is your center for being open to giving and receiving love, kindness, and compassion. When your heart chakra is blocked, you are guarding yourself or putting up walls from allowing love to come in. And this can result in blocking love that you give to yourself.
Ulla told me that I don’t allow myself to feel. I suppress emotions and often pretend like everything is okay. I take an overly optimistic approach to life at times. While this may seem like a good thing, it’s actually creating tension within. When you block yourself from allowing emotions to surface, you are cutting off this energy and pushing it way down.
Eventually, that energy will have no choice but to reveal itself in often unpleasant or unexpected ways.
She encouraged me to be gentle with myself. Not try to force anything, but to allow emotions to come when they come. She told me not to be surprised if I suddenly feel sad or angry. Over the next month, this is exactly what happened. I would randomly burst into tears or find myself consumed with anger. Sometimes I would even wake from sleep with such anger. When I was traveling in Portugal with my friends, they revealed to me that at times I would yell out in my sleep. It was as if my subconscious was telling me that I had no choice but to release it.
I’ve hated anger and conflict my whole life. I remember hiding when my parents would argue or yell at each other. And I find myself triggered when I am surrounded by it. I learned from a young age to hide from it. And made a rule at some point that it wasn’t okay to feel anger. Or to express myself with tears. I basically blocked off any unpleasant feelings. And I blocked others from giving me love.
When anger arises or sadness ensues, allow it to come. Allow yourself to feel whatever is there.
Direct your anger away from others and in a safe environment. If you feel like screaming or yelling, get in your car and scream. Smash pumpkins or coconuts. Allow yourself to move through the emotions rather than avoid them. The same is with tears. There is nothing wrong with crying. It is one of the best releases and ways to let go of stored-up energy. When you have released whatever emotions come, take deep breaths and let it go. Don’t hang onto it any longer.
Take some time to journal and reflect on what came up for you and lovingly let it go.
I was beginning to feel lighter after allowing myself to feel and release all of these emotions. I was cutting cords from my past and setting myself free in many ways. I was beginning to feel and receive love and allow my creative ideas to flow. And I was noticing that even when hugging people, I was letting my guard down and learning to relax my body. My friends have often commented that I’m so tense when they hug me. This is part of me guarding myself. The more I appreciate and love who I am, the more I am able to let others in.
When I arrived in Portugal, I connected with two of my best travel buddies. We had plans to travel together for 2 weeks. I was feeling in a better space. I had given myself a lot of time to heal, and I had had a really productive work week the week before. I felt like I had a new wave of confidence. I was learning to speak up when conflict ensued and not hold back. I was walking in my power and allowing emotions to come and go. The more I spoke up and shared whatever I was going through, the more open I felt.
Sometimes you think you’ve moved through something only to hit another roadblock.
About a week into our travels, I realized that I hadn’t really had a regular bowel movement in several days. It’s normal when you’re traveling to a new place and eating different foods to experience this for a couple days. After it had gone on for a week, though, I thought it a bit strange. And at the same time, I wasn’t too concerned. I figured my body was getting used to eating a lot of olive oil and bread.
Photo Credit: Mahmoud Tabbou, Chefchaouen, morocco september 2019
My friends and I ended our time together in Morocco after traveling for 2 weeks together. They went back to the states and I decided to stay. I wanted to explore this country and see what it had in store for me. I ended up having the best time in Morocco. I modeled in my 6th international photoshoot while there and made many beautiful connections. I felt like my heart and sacral chakras were opening and allowing me to step into creative flow again.
I returned to the states at the end of September. I had been dealing with an upset stomach off and on towards the end of my trip. And when I returned to the states, the discomfort continued. I had an opportunity to attend Hay House Live in Houston for a workshop with Dr. Joe Dispenza. If you’re not familiar with Dr. Joe, he is an international lecturer, author, and researcher. He studies neuroscience and how meditation effects the brain. And ultimately teaches how to rewire or reprogram your brain to break habits. The workshop was amazing. I learned so much about habits and how often we carry our past into the present and create our futures from the past.
At the end of the day, he lead us through a powerful guided meditation. During the meditation, I could feel intense pressure in my lower abdomen. I even felt pulsing sensations. I remember thinking that something seemed off. The following day I took a bus from Houston back to Dallas. While on the bus, I was continuing to feel pressure. And I even began to feel a bulge in my lower pelvic region. Something was not right.
Listen to your body. It will tell you when something is off.
The following day I made an appointment to have a physical. I rarely go to the doctor and trusted my instincts that something wasn’t right. The doctor said she definitely felt something there. She scheduled for me to have a trans vaginal ultrasound. She suspected that I had an ovarian cyst and wanted to know for sure. I followed her advice and schedule the appointment. Something in me told me that it was not a cyst and had nothing to do with my reproductive system. And my intuition was right. The results came back clear.
While I was happy to hear there wasn’t anything serious happening, it still left me unsettled without answers. A couple days later, I was sitting on the couch and my stomach was so swollen. I was feeling intense pressure again. I began to worry. I called one of my friends who is a doctor and was asked to come over. She checked me out and said I was definitely blocked. She wasn’t concerned that it was anything serious and gave me some protocols to work towards clearing it.
After I left her place, I was thinking back to my time in Spain and the chakra clearing work. And then I instantly knew, this blockage had to do with me not fully releasing everything I had worked through. It was clear that my Solar Plexus chakra was blocked. I had spent much time opening my heart and sacral chakras and had somehow blocked this area. You Solar Plexus is associated with the color yellow and serves as the center for your self-confidence, identity, and personal power. This is where your ego lives.
You can only fake things for so long. Eventually your body will shut down or react and alert you to what needs to be healed.
Being self-employed and an entrepreneur is one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done. When I was working for a company, I had a boss and a team backing me. They believed in me enough to hire me and keep me around. I remember when I left my career after 11 years feeling as if I had no skills. Obviously this isn’t true, but it’s what my ego (the noise in my head) was wanting to tell me. I’ve been afraid to put myself fully out there. I’ve had to deal with conversations around money and worth and how I charge for my services. I’ve had to learn to not take things personally and know that when someone gives me a “No”, it’s not me. Not everyone is going to be a right fit.
When you’re entire platform is built around teaching confidence, it seems contradictory that the person teaching it would be lacking confidence in their own way.
And yet that is where I’ve been. I can travel to countries by myself. Live without a plan and without knowing where my next paycheck is coming from. I can model in photoshoots and allow my self to be on display and seen. Yet when it comes to my own self-worth and offering my services to the world, I hide. It’s as if I’m standing on the edge of a cliff and telling everyone I’m going to jump and never going through with it. And then I remind myself of all that I’ve done and who I am in this world. I remember that I actually did jump off the cliff (in Morocco nonetheless).
The only person standing in my way from fully stepping out there is Me.
I’ve spent the past couple weeks doing chakra clearing meditations and writing a daily summary of gratitude. I can feel my stomach and my digestive system beginning to work again. I feel my confidence beginning to increase. People are reaching out to me for collaborations and opportunities. I have my first speaking gig on stage at a conference in New Zealand this weekend! I am putting myself out to the world and sharing my mission of doing photoshoots in countries all over the world as a way to support local photographers, designers, and stylists. Things are finally happening! And it’s all because I allowed myself to be uncomfortable and find healing and let go of the story that I’m not worth it.
MEDITATE and tune into your heart center.
OWN who you are.
ACKNOWLEDGE how far you’ve come.
Find GRATITUDE in all things great and small.
Keep inching towards the edge of the cliff and, before you can talk yourself out of it, JUMP.
REMIND yourself of all that you are and all that you have to offer.
REPEAT over and over again until you believe it.
The more you do this, the more your self-worth, confidence, and courage with grow. You’ll find more freedom in all areas of your life and find flow in the areas that were once blocked. Others will see you and be grateful that you finally stepped up and stayed out.