Permission to Be You
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Photo by: dolorestestaph Buenos Aires, Argentina December 2018
I Thought… A Poem by Robin Finney.
I thought you could see me.
I thought if I jumped up and down and waved my hands in the air, you would notice me.
I thought if I shared enough information and told enough stories, you would listen to me.
I thought if I pushed myself hard enough, you would see I am capable.
I thought if I ran fast enough, I could finish strong.
I thought if I pleased and helped you enough, you’d appreciate me.
I thought if I said and did the “right” things, you would think I am worthy.
I thought if I shared my fears, you would think I am weak.
I thought if I shed tears or showed my vulnerability, you would leave me.
I thought if I got too close to you, I would be trapped.
I thought wrong.
Now I see.
It wasn’t you who couldn’t see me.
It was me.
As I near the completion of my 30-day (ish) blog challenge, I find myself filled with peace and gratitude. And, of course, satisfaction over the act of writing daily and showing up for the challenge. It’s more than the challenge though.
It’s the peace and gratitude I’ve gained through owning and accepting who I am with love.
I’ve spent much of my life lost in a ‘one-day’ spiral masked with fog wondering how I was ever going to see a clearing. Anytime I would find what I thought was “IT”, I would somehow manage to sabotage it. And then I would be left with disappointment, regret, and sadness. This pattern has repeated itself for most of my life.
At the beginning of 2020, I committed to ‘Believe and Trust’ as being my words for this year. I hoped that, by believing and trusting in myself, I would find or be shown the way forward. The best way I knew to bring this essence to life was by tuning inward and showing up for myself—even if that meant sacrificing relationships and desires for a while.
For the first time in my life, I chose me.
When you’ve lived a life centered around people-pleasing, seeking acceptance and approval, and being good, the thought of choosing yourself over others feels wrong. It’s easier to be a martyr and disappoint yourself than it is to disappoint others.
Earlier this year, I read author Glennon Doyle’s latest book, Untamed. This book rocked my world. It’s by far the most compelling book I’ve read this year, and is on my list of life-changing books. I cried. I laughed. I fumed. I loved. This book opened a part of me that’s been locked. It caused me to discover my beauty within, to take a stand for myself, and to tune inward to receive answers to the questions buried within my soul. It supported me in seeing the real me—beautiful and authentic—with great love.
Self-love, appreciation, care, acceptance…these are the greatest gifts you can give yourself.
This year, I’ve shown up for me by choosing to love myself through all of the joyful, hard, painful, and heartbreaking moments. I’ve chosen to tune in rather than hide from myself. No matter what’s going on in the external or internal world, I have chosen to tune in each day. Every morning I wake up and spend at least an hour with myself through meditation, journaling, and praying. Even when I don’t feel like it, I choose to lean in and be supported. As a result of this consistent practice, I’ve deepened my connection to my higher self and God, and I’ve learned to see my intrinsic self with love and own every part of her.
“What the world needs are more women who have quit fearing themselves and started loving themselves. What the world needs are more women who are out of control.”
I stopped trying to change who I am.
I attended a virtual workshop about uncertainty back in the spring. At one point during the event, a light bulb turned on. I had a moment of truth revealed to me. I got out my pen and wrote down the words: I’ve spent my adult life trying to change who I am. The moments when I would start to see myself for who I am, I would get scared, run away, or hide. I’d distract myself or keep myself busy as to not have to look inward. I would convince myself that this version of me was not really me. That if I played the part that others wanted me to play, I’d be better off.
In one of my favorite Broadway musicals, Wicked, the main character Elphaba is born with green skin. Her father is completely repulsed by her. Her sister and classmates are afraid of her and look at her like she’s some kind of freak. Rather than owning who she is, she gives in to these fears and lies and suppresses who she is. She believes that if she can change who she is—the color of her skin—and be someone else, that others will finally accept her.
Did that really just happen?
Have I actually understood?
This weird quirk I've tried to suppress or hide
Is a talent that could help me meet the Wizard
If I make good
So I'll make goodWhen I meet the Wizard
Once I prove my worth
And then I meet the Wizard
What I've waited for since, since birth
And with all his Wizard wisdom
By my looks, he won't be blinded
Do you think the Wizard is dumb?
Or like Munchkins so small-minded?
No, he'll say to me I see who you truly are
A girl on whom I can rely
And that's how we'll begin
The Wizard and IOnce I'm with the Wizard
My whole life will change
'Cause once you're with the Wizard
No one thinks you're strange
No father is not proud of you
No sister acts ashamed
And all of Oz has to love you
When by the Wizard, you're acclaimed
And this gift or this curse
I have inside
Maybe at last, I'll know why
When we are hand in hand
The Wizard and IAnd one day, he'll say to me "Elphaba
A girl who is so superior
Shouldn't a girl, who's so good inside
Have a matching exterior?
And since folks here to an absurd degree
Seem fixated on your verdigris
Would it be all right by you
If I de-greenify you?"
Elphaba was afraid to see herself in her own beauty and uniqueness. She was convinced that if she could change who she is, her life would change for better. What she learned is that by choosing to accept and own her uniqueness, she could actually change the world. She could be unlimited.
It’s been through my own wrestling and wanting to change who I am that I’ve learned to own who I am instead. To own my gifts, my beauty, my curiosity. To trust that the path I’m on is for me. To love myself and own my journey. To make a choice to never disappoint myself. To show up for myself fully. All of it.
Learning to show up for myself has been the greatest gift I could give myself this year.
With all that’s happening in this world, I’m grateful for my meditation practice and all of the tools I use from my coaching practices and transformational work to support me in this space. I have so much peace and gratitude from finally seeing my beautiful, intrinsic self.
“What is true and beautiful for us is ultimately what is true and beautiful for our people because there is no such thing as one-way liberation.
When we free ourselves, we automatically free everyone around us.
When we grant ourselves permission to live as our truest selves, we automatically grant permission to everyone around us to do the same. ”